MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Accidental 'butt-dial' sends out SWAT team"
Source (click on the yellow link):
MSNBC article dated 5 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Chicago husband gives 'booty call' entirely new meaning"
Dateline - Winnetka, Illinois - 5 January 2011 - A man's wife became concerned when she received a cell phone call from her husband but could get no reply and heard nothing but hip-hop music in the background. Her response? To call the police ending in a SWAT team descending on the Carleton Washburn School where the non-responsive husband was employed as an administrative worker.
The SWAT team swoop was later called off when the husband turned up safe and sound at home.
The reason for all the kerfuffle? Apparently, the husband had stored his cell phone in his back pocket and as he drove home, he unknowingly had placed a call to his wife (owing to the pressure of the posterior on the cell phone buttons) as he sat and cheerfully drove while hip-hop music pumped madly away from his car radio. He then evidently failed to hear his wife's voice pleading for him to respond due to him sitting on the phone at the time.
The wife then concluded, as we all would have obviously, that her husband had fallen victim to a kidnapping attempt by a hitherto unknown and possibly drug crazed, rap music loving urban gang that preys on unsuspecting public school employees.
I am suspecting there is some stereotypical profiling going on here, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it. Boy that's annoying….but I digress.
I can already hear comedy writers crying foul around the country. "See?" they would exclaim. "See how hard our job is? I mean, you just can't make shit like this up!"
For the rest who might think that accidental booty calling is becoming a real problem, might I advise a 'flip-phone'?
Headline -
"Wakefield study that linked autism with MMR vaccine was fraud: British Medical Journal"
Source (click on the yellow link):
AdelaideNow article dated 6 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Lies, Damn Lies and British Medical Studies - Statistics bumped to fourth place"
Dateline - London - 6 January 2011 - What was thought to be one of the major reasons for autism may have been given its death blow following conclusions reached by the British Medical Journal after hearings concluded concerning conflict of interest and the unethical treatment of patients during a 1998 study.
The publishing of the study itself was withdrawn by the prestigious medical journal, The Lancet, last year.
The study, which covered the links between MMR vaccination and autism, and the resulting paper published but then retracted by The Lancet, has now been accused of attempting to deceive.
"The paper was in fact an elaborate fraud, " said the British Medical Journal in an editorial and later adding "There are hard lessons for many in this highly damaging saga."
Well! Ain't this a bugger for all them folks who have been screaming and pointing at statistics over the last few years claiming the rise in the incidence of autism correlated with the widespread distribution of MMR (Mumps, Measles and Rubella) vaccine and others.
All they will have left now is the OTHER statistic - that the rise in the incidence of autism correlated directly to the increasingly refined methods in being able to DETECT it. Something that serious scientists have been pointing to all along.
I suppose that it's up to people individually if they wanna make something out of statistics that isn't there. I mean, isn't that what advertising and politics is all about?
But to endanger the lives of children just because some idiot saw a statistical relationship that wasn't there…not even hinted at? Now THAT takes breathtaking balls with equivalent stupidity.
Ladies and gentlemen……I give you Occam's Razor. Life does not need to be that hard.
One thing out of all this though……I bet Jenny McCarthy is really pissed. Not to mention ex-boyfriend Jim Carrey.
Headline -
"South Korea Soldiers Train for Winter"
Source (click on the yellow link):
Huffington Post article dated 4 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"YMCA ecstatic over potential new membership"
Dateline - Korea - 4 January 2011 -The South Korean military has decided to fight back against criticism that they are sluggish and ill-prepared by publishing photos of specialised army training.
"Specialised" indeed! I don't think I have seen "specialised" like this since the Village People!
There was word that more photos were taken of their post training partying, but as it turned out to be more like the Steel Industry parody from "The Simpsons", the South Korean Army Publicity Unit decided to save it for their "Christmas Outtakes Collection".
The local YMCA membership director could not be contacted, but it is believed that he is VERY excited…..in more ways than one apparently.
But in the meantime, lower those mirror balls guys and let's BOOGIE!!!!
"Everybody dance now! - duh, duh, dahh, dahh, duh, duh…."
(not that there's anything wrong with that)
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"The mom of a 'princess boy' speaks out"
Source:
TODAY Article dated 3 January
What Headline Should Say -
"Need for SNL drug 'Homocil' vindicated - Drug companies race to perfect"
Dateline - The Today show - 4 January 2011 - Mothers? Break out your recipes for crème brulee as it looks like someone will be taking over in the kitchen soon.
Cheryl Kilodavis finds her son Dyson to be an inspiration. The inspiration for a book she wrote called "My Princess Boy" highlighting her 5 year old son's preference for pink, sparkly dresses - not that there is anything wrong with that.
Apparently it took some effort for Cheryl to accept her son's love for pink dresses, telling him at first boys can't be princesses. But the advice of her older son convinced her eventually that this was Dyson's call. Well….at least young Dyson, a 5 year old remember, doesn't have an identity crisis…not now anyway. But how about when he is in his 13th year and Cheryl comes across his porno stash - his STRAIGHT porno stash. Who's gonna be more confused? Him or Cheryl?
Anyway, this all does bring to mind a terrific ad parody from the good folks at the American sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live. The SNL drug of choice for all those times when just don't know what the hell is going on.
Good luck Dyson! But just as a back up, I think I'd be booking in for those martial arts classes real soon. You're alright buddy.
Cheryl? Might I advise less book writing and more therapy. You seem to have a pathological urge to make a big deal out of this.
Headline -
"Whew! Pat Robertson: No Nuclear Holocaust in '11"
Source:
CBS News Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"That pee stained guy from Times Square is at it again"
Dateline - Virginia Beach, Va - 3 January 2011 - 700 Club founder, broadcaster and all around nut-job Pat Robertson is at it again claiming God has spoken to him.
Apparently this time God has told Pat - personally it seems - that the United States is about to be bankrupt after lenders demand their money back. BUT….have no fear…..there will be no nuclear war.
Once described by media commentator Bill Maher as that (paraphrasing) "old urine stained guy you always see in Times Square", Robertson said that the Almighty gave him the guff that US creditors will demand payment in 2012 and that US won't be able to cough up resulting in currency collapse, rampant unemployment and maybe even some riots.
Huh? Since when did current affairs become predictions? Hey Pat…..maybe you should read up a bit…..we are already there!
While we're at it, let's check out some of Pat's other predictions:
1982 - Pat predicted Judgment day. But wait…isn't that on May 21st this year? I guess he forgot to carry the one.
2006 - Pat predicted a tsunami would hit the northwestern United States coastline. No tsunami but apparently tourism went up.
2007 - A terrorist attack was predicted that would lead to "mass killings" and be possibly of a nuclear nature. When nothing happened, Robertson pointed to mass prayer at which point he said "God in his mercy spared us." Convenient. But it also could have meant that God was having him on.
2008 - All in nuclear war (Pat does seem to love nuclear wars) in the Middle East after Irael attacks Iran, then Syria attacks Israel, etc., etc. "it is my opinion that we have between 75 and 120 days before the Middle East starts spinning out of control.", said Pat. At this point, feel free to make woo-woo and tweety bird noises.
2009 - Economic chaos followed by a recovery. Well, he was half right. Unfortunately, it was the wrong half.
Pat? Give it a rest, me old china….and I do mean old. Whatever it is that you are involved in - soothsayers, religion, geriatrics, whatever - you are giving it a bad name.
I hear rest homes in Virginia get a good rap. Maybe you should look into that.
Headline -
"Fla. man says he'll live in lions' den for 30 days"
Source:
Newsvine article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Fla. lions postpone local butcher delivery for 30 days"
Dateline - Florida - 3 January 2011 - A Florida man, James Jablon, says he will live in an enclosure alongside two African lions for the next 30 days.
Mr. Jablon says he is performing the exercise in an effort to raise money for his wildlife centre, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.
Jablon commenced his stay in the enclosure on Saturday claiming he will sleep on hay near the lions.
When asked for comment, Ed - one of the lions alongside his partner Lea - said "Sure, he looks a little tough and stringy, but nothing that a little tenderising wouldn't fix. Anyways, I told Lea to hold off on that butcher order for a while."
When asked what his chances were, Ed replied "Pretty good. Provided he can stay awake for, just a second…." at which point, Ed broke out a calculator. "….30 days, or 720 hours, or 43,200 minutes, or 2,592,000 seconds AND figure out where the hell we stashed the whip, the chair and the back-up cattle prod."
Ed and Lea then returned to Mr. Jablon where they licked his face, then turned to this reporter, winked and made a 'thumbs up' sign.
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"The mom of a 'princess boy' speaks out"
Source:
TODAY Article dated 3 January
What Headline Should Say -
"Need for SNL drug 'Homocil' vindicated - Drug companies race to perfect"
Dateline - The Today show - 4 January 2011 - Mothers? Break out your recipes for crème brulee as it looks like someone will be taking over in the kitchen soon.
Cheryl Kilodavis finds her son Dyson to be an inspiration. The inspiration for a book she wrote called "My Princess Boy" highlighting her 5 year old son's preference for pink, sparkly dresses - not that there is anything wrong with that.
Apparently it took some effort for Cheryl to accept her son's love for pink dresses, telling him at first boys can't be princesses. But the advice of her older son convinced her eventually that this was Dyson's call. Well….at least young Dyson, a 5 year old remember, doesn't have an identity crisis…not now anyway. But how about when he is in his 13th year and Cheryl comes across his porno stash - his STRAIGHT porno stash. Who's gonna be more confused? Him or Cheryl?
Anyway, this all does bring to mind a terrific ad parody from the good folks at the American sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live. The SNL drug of choice for all those times when just don't know what the hell is going on.
Good luck Dyson! But just as a back up, I think I'd be booking in for those martial arts classes real soon. You're alright buddy.
Cheryl? Might I advise less book writing and more therapy. You seem to have a pathological urge to make a big deal out of this.
Headline -
"Whew! Pat Robertson: No Nuclear Holocaust in '11"
Source:
CBS News Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"That pee stained guy from Times Square is at it again"
Dateline - Virginia Beach, Va - 3 January 2011 - 700 Club founder, broadcaster and all around nut-job Pat Robertson is at it again claiming God has spoken to him.
Apparently this time God has told Pat - personally it seems - that the United States is about to be bankrupt after lenders demand their money back. BUT….have no fear…..there will be no nuclear war.
Once described by media commentator Bill Maher as that (paraphrasing) "old urine stained guy you always see in Times Square", Robertson said that the Almighty gave him the guff that US creditors will demand payment in 2012 and that US won't be able to cough up resulting in currency collapse, rampant unemployment and maybe even some riots.
Huh? Since when did current affairs become predictions? Hey Pat…..maybe you should read up a bit…..we are already there!
While we're at it, let's check out some of Pat's other predictions:
1982 - Pat predicted Judgment day. But wait…isn't that on May 21st this year? I guess he forgot to carry the one.
2006 - Pat predicted a tsunami would hit the northwestern United States coastline. No tsunami but apparently tourism went up.
2007 - A terrorist attack was predicted that would lead to "mass killings" and be possibly of a nuclear nature. When nothing happened, Robertson pointed to mass prayer at which point he said "God in his mercy spared us." Convenient. But it also could have meant that God was having him on.
2008 - All in nuclear war (Pat does seem to love nuclear wars) in the Middle East after Irael attacks Iran, then Syria attacks Israel, etc., etc. "it is my opinion that we have between 75 and 120 days before the Middle East starts spinning out of control.", said Pat. At this point, feel free to make woo-woo and tweety bird noises.
2009 - Economic chaos followed by a recovery. Well, he was half right. Unfortunately, it was the wrong half.
Pat? Give it a rest, me old china….and I do mean old. Whatever it is that you are involved in - soothsayers, religion, geriatrics, whatever - you are giving it a bad name.
I hear rest homes in Virginia get a good rap. Maybe you should look into that.
Headline -
"Fla. man says he'll live in lions' den for 30 days"
Source:
Newsvine article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Fla. lions postpone local butcher delivery for 30 days"
Dateline - Florida - 3 January 2011 - A Florida man, James Jablon, says he will live in an enclosure alongside two African lions for the next 30 days.
Mr. Jablon says he is performing the exercise in an effort to raise money for his wildlife centre, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.
Jablon commenced his stay in the enclosure on Saturday claiming he will sleep on hay near the lions.
When asked for comment, Ed - one of the lions alongside his partner Lea - said "Sure, he looks a little tough and stringy, but nothing that a little tenderising wouldn't fix. Anyways, I told Lea to hold off on that butcher order for a while."
When asked what his chances were, Ed replied "Pretty good. Provided he can stay awake for, just a second…." at which point, Ed broke out a calculator. "….30 days, or 720 hours, or 43,200 minutes, or 2,592,000 seconds AND figure out where the hell we stashed the whip, the chair and the back-up cattle prod."
Ed and Lea then returned to Mr. Jablon where they licked his face, then turned to this reporter, winked and made a 'thumbs up' sign.
Monday, 3 January 2011
MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Judge: Donald Duck groping lawsuit can go forward"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Duckburg native accused as sex offender - Feathers Fly"
Dateline - Philadelphia - 3 January 2011 - A judge has today ordered that a case involving Disney Corporation employee Donald Duck inferring alleged sexual harrassement on his part, should proceed.
When approached for Mr. Duck's thoughts on the matter, a Disney spokesperson claimed "He was very annoyed to the point of being unintelligible. Which isn't surprising as he is always unintelligible."
Mr. Duck's partner, Daisy Duck, was not returning comment on the situation despite several attempts.
Reports have surfaced that the Child Protection Agency has since moved Mr. Duck's three nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie to an undisclosed location.
Headline -
"Reinventing the wheel for the moon"
Source:
MSNBC Cosmiclog dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"'Nerf' Car spied undergoing secret tests"
Dateline - McGill University, Canada - 3 January 2011 - Touted as the new generation lunar rover, this vehicle has been seen slumping(?) its way around Canadian test tracks.
Since all plans to revisit the moon have been shelved for the forseeable future, could it be that this is actually some new approach relative to pedestrian safety? Instead of massive trauma when run over, we can now look forward to less severe bruising and maybe some gentle bouncing.
Or a new clean up vehicle perhaps - capable of sopping up massive spills with its spongy tyres. Or maybe a new approach to litter collection.
Whatever it is, it ain't parking in my garage - that's fer bloody sure!
Headline -
"End of Days in May? Believers enter final stretch"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Creditors cry foul as yet another judgment day approaches"
Dateline - Raleigh, NC - 3 January 2011 - Members of the Family Radio Worldwide Christian organisation have been giving out the word in earnest….that the rapture is almost upon us and, more precisely, is due to happen on May 21st, 2011.
The is all based on the mathematical machinations of one Harold Camping, creator of the Family Radio Worldwide, and apparently a man with way too much time on his hands. Or if he is to be believed, apparently not enough.
It is reported that the retired civil engineer claims all his calculations are from close readings of the bible and that also events such as the foundation of the state of Israel contribute to refined results.
No one seems to be commenting however, on the observations of several logic experts who have gone quietly nuts trying to make sense of the predictions laid down by the Book of Revelations. Like so many parts of the bible, it seems hard to clarify the impications of certain bits especially when they seem to contradict other bits and so on.
But if you happen to be a believer that the end is nigh, here's hoping you make the "gang of 250,000" scheduled for take off.
What's with the "dead rising from the grave" though? They going up too? They going down? What's up with that?
And why only 250,000 (or whatever the number is)? Eternity has an occupancy limit? Why is that? A fire regulation perhaps?
Sometimes it really does seem like nobody has just sat down and really thought this junk through. It's a worry, I tells ya!
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Judge: Donald Duck groping lawsuit can go forward"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Duckburg native accused as sex offender - Feathers Fly"
Dateline - Philadelphia - 3 January 2011 - A judge has today ordered that a case involving Disney Corporation employee Donald Duck inferring alleged sexual harrassement on his part, should proceed.
When approached for Mr. Duck's thoughts on the matter, a Disney spokesperson claimed "He was very annoyed to the point of being unintelligible. Which isn't surprising as he is always unintelligible."
Mr. Duck's partner, Daisy Duck, was not returning comment on the situation despite several attempts.
Reports have surfaced that the Child Protection Agency has since moved Mr. Duck's three nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie to an undisclosed location.
Headline -
"Reinventing the wheel for the moon"
Source:
MSNBC Cosmiclog dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"'Nerf' Car spied undergoing secret tests"
Dateline - McGill University, Canada - 3 January 2011 - Touted as the new generation lunar rover, this vehicle has been seen slumping(?) its way around Canadian test tracks.
Since all plans to revisit the moon have been shelved for the forseeable future, could it be that this is actually some new approach relative to pedestrian safety? Instead of massive trauma when run over, we can now look forward to less severe bruising and maybe some gentle bouncing.
Or a new clean up vehicle perhaps - capable of sopping up massive spills with its spongy tyres. Or maybe a new approach to litter collection.
Whatever it is, it ain't parking in my garage - that's fer bloody sure!
Headline -
"End of Days in May? Believers enter final stretch"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Creditors cry foul as yet another judgment day approaches"
Dateline - Raleigh, NC - 3 January 2011 - Members of the Family Radio Worldwide Christian organisation have been giving out the word in earnest….that the rapture is almost upon us and, more precisely, is due to happen on May 21st, 2011.
The is all based on the mathematical machinations of one Harold Camping, creator of the Family Radio Worldwide, and apparently a man with way too much time on his hands. Or if he is to be believed, apparently not enough.
It is reported that the retired civil engineer claims all his calculations are from close readings of the bible and that also events such as the foundation of the state of Israel contribute to refined results.
No one seems to be commenting however, on the observations of several logic experts who have gone quietly nuts trying to make sense of the predictions laid down by the Book of Revelations. Like so many parts of the bible, it seems hard to clarify the impications of certain bits especially when they seem to contradict other bits and so on.
But if you happen to be a believer that the end is nigh, here's hoping you make the "gang of 250,000" scheduled for take off.
What's with the "dead rising from the grave" though? They going up too? They going down? What's up with that?
And why only 250,000 (or whatever the number is)? Eternity has an occupancy limit? Why is that? A fire regulation perhaps?
Sometimes it really does seem like nobody has just sat down and really thought this junk through. It's a worry, I tells ya!
Saturday, 1 January 2011
MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Some Hotmail users report missing e-mails"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated January 01, 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Veteran Web Based Email Supplier finally showing signs of senility - Euthanasia plans canceled as natural death appears near"
Dateline - New York - 01 January 2011 - Hotmail? What the hell is hotmail? Oh….right! That old thing. Anyway, it seems that many part time users have felt the need to check out the email list on their favourite 4th string back-up email facility; the old dinosaur called "Hotmail". The problem is that when checking out the cyber equivalent to Al Jolson singing "Mammy" in a cinema back in 1927, they found that their email list had been blown away. Oops!
When contacted for comment, the Windows Live support spokeswoman said "Mmmph-meglap-dumbumble-fwaat-mungle.." followed by what appeared to be several farting noises.
When she returned from the toilet and put her teeth in, she stated that "At this point it appears to be a limited issue, and Microsoft is working with individual users who are impacted. We apologize for any inconvenience to our customers…". It must be noted that she appeared to read this off of a laminated card…….through extremely thick glasses.
The rest of the technicians at the Shady Pines Nursing Facility - slash - Windows Live Support Centre seemed remarkably spry and motivated upon heaing of the problem and report planning to address the issue right after Matlock is over.
Headline -
"Miller ending legal battle, conceding Senate race"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 31 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Joe Miller Quits - Continues Tradition of Noted Alaskan Quitters"
Dateline - JUNEAU, Alaska - 31 December 2010 - It appears that Republican senate candidate for the state of Alaska, Joe Miller, has conceded his attempts to foil the write-in candidate Lisa Muckowsky….Merlowsky…..McLucky….WTF!!…..MURKOWSKI (phew!) from gaining an Alaskan senate seat. Ms. Murkowski is now a senator elect for the state of Alaska and has been confirmed by the current Alaskan governor (no, not her……the one who took over after she quit) and will soon be sworn in on the senate floor……and probably be sworn at if Miller turns up in the gallery.
Mr. Miller has exhausted several attempts at denying Ms. Murkowski her duly delegated senate position, including three state court electoral appeals, two federal, and taking a shot at her from a helicopter using a high powered rifle. All to no avail.
A designated Miller spokesperson, when asked if Miller would phone to congratulate Ms. Murkowski, explained that Mr. Miller did not plan to do so. When asked if she had won it fair and square, the spokesperson replied that "is not in his thinking."
When pressed on why Mr. Miller would not comply with electoral tradition, the spokesperson finally blurted "Because he's a childish bad loser and an asshole! That's Why! What do ya want from me? Do I have to spell it out?"
At which point, two burly men in suits appeared, chained him up, and led him away.
Headline -
"'What Not to Wear' star slams Sarah Palin"
Source:
Today Show 'The Clicker' dated 30 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Sarah Palin Slammed for Not Wearing Anything"
Dateline - Los Angeles - 30 December 2010 - The Learning Channel (TLC) star and co-host of "What Not To Wear", Clinton Kelly, has criticised Sarah Palin and referred to her show as an "eight-hour info-commercial on my network."
He is, of course, referring to the fellow TLC program called "Sarah Palin's Alaska".
"What bothers me most about her is her hypocrisy," said Kelly on a recent television show. "Look at nature. Look at this beautiful Alaska. Look at how beautiful everything is. Let's go kill something because we need some meat in the refrigerator." he continued.
Does this mean that Kelly and fellow Palin disliker Aaron Sorkin will be swapping spit in a shower sometime soon in support of a common cause? Probably not. But that is not because they haven't anything in common…..
It's probably more because Mr. Kelly has to learn to fly higher towards the sun if he seeks Mr. Sorkin's attention. As illustrated in Aaron's December 8th 2010 commentary in the Huffington Post.
In the meantime, maybe they can twitter the light fantastique about the dreaded wicked witch of teabagging. I still think it's funny though that he didn't mention anything about what she wears. Whatsamatter? Kitty got no claws? Rowrr? Mew?
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Some Hotmail users report missing e-mails"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated January 01, 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Veteran Web Based Email Supplier finally showing signs of senility - Euthanasia plans canceled as natural death appears near"
Dateline - New York - 01 January 2011 - Hotmail? What the hell is hotmail? Oh….right! That old thing. Anyway, it seems that many part time users have felt the need to check out the email list on their favourite 4th string back-up email facility; the old dinosaur called "Hotmail". The problem is that when checking out the cyber equivalent to Al Jolson singing "Mammy" in a cinema back in 1927, they found that their email list had been blown away. Oops!
When contacted for comment, the Windows Live support spokeswoman said "Mmmph-meglap-dumbumble-fwaat-mungle.." followed by what appeared to be several farting noises.
When she returned from the toilet and put her teeth in, she stated that "At this point it appears to be a limited issue, and Microsoft is working with individual users who are impacted. We apologize for any inconvenience to our customers…". It must be noted that she appeared to read this off of a laminated card…….through extremely thick glasses.
The rest of the technicians at the Shady Pines Nursing Facility - slash - Windows Live Support Centre seemed remarkably spry and motivated upon heaing of the problem and report planning to address the issue right after Matlock is over.
Headline -
"Miller ending legal battle, conceding Senate race"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 31 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Joe Miller Quits - Continues Tradition of Noted Alaskan Quitters"
Dateline - JUNEAU, Alaska - 31 December 2010 - It appears that Republican senate candidate for the state of Alaska, Joe Miller, has conceded his attempts to foil the write-in candidate Lisa Muckowsky….Merlowsky…..McLucky….WTF!!…..MURKOWSKI (phew!) from gaining an Alaskan senate seat. Ms. Murkowski is now a senator elect for the state of Alaska and has been confirmed by the current Alaskan governor (no, not her……the one who took over after she quit) and will soon be sworn in on the senate floor……and probably be sworn at if Miller turns up in the gallery.
Mr. Miller has exhausted several attempts at denying Ms. Murkowski her duly delegated senate position, including three state court electoral appeals, two federal, and taking a shot at her from a helicopter using a high powered rifle. All to no avail.
A designated Miller spokesperson, when asked if Miller would phone to congratulate Ms. Murkowski, explained that Mr. Miller did not plan to do so. When asked if she had won it fair and square, the spokesperson replied that "is not in his thinking."
When pressed on why Mr. Miller would not comply with electoral tradition, the spokesperson finally blurted "Because he's a childish bad loser and an asshole! That's Why! What do ya want from me? Do I have to spell it out?"
At which point, two burly men in suits appeared, chained him up, and led him away.
Headline -
"'What Not to Wear' star slams Sarah Palin"
Source:
Today Show 'The Clicker' dated 30 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Sarah Palin Slammed for Not Wearing Anything"
Dateline - Los Angeles - 30 December 2010 - The Learning Channel (TLC) star and co-host of "What Not To Wear", Clinton Kelly, has criticised Sarah Palin and referred to her show as an "eight-hour info-commercial on my network."
He is, of course, referring to the fellow TLC program called "Sarah Palin's Alaska".
"What bothers me most about her is her hypocrisy," said Kelly on a recent television show. "Look at nature. Look at this beautiful Alaska. Look at how beautiful everything is. Let's go kill something because we need some meat in the refrigerator." he continued.
Does this mean that Kelly and fellow Palin disliker Aaron Sorkin will be swapping spit in a shower sometime soon in support of a common cause? Probably not. But that is not because they haven't anything in common…..
It's probably more because Mr. Kelly has to learn to fly higher towards the sun if he seeks Mr. Sorkin's attention. As illustrated in Aaron's December 8th 2010 commentary in the Huffington Post.
In the meantime, maybe they can twitter the light fantastique about the dreaded wicked witch of teabagging. I still think it's funny though that he didn't mention anything about what she wears. Whatsamatter? Kitty got no claws? Rowrr? Mew?
Friday, 11 June 2010
Stop!!! You're Making Me Fat!!!
We are constantly seeing ads, medical reports, doctors and other 'learned' people telling us about the obesity problem in the United States and now ‘THE WORLD’.
The government, politicians, media, journalists, scientists, universities, medical establishment, sociologists and social commentators, claim that obesity is an epidemic, a plague, a crisis, an outrage, a catastrophe, a time bomb responsible for killing 400,000 overfed Americans every year, while ringing up over a $100-billion in health care costs.
To add to the ‘fat terrorism’ problem, people are being brainwashed to think that if they aren’t in the spa/gym at least five times per week, don’t have a pair of ‘skinny jeans’, don’t have a eight pack abdomen, wear a dress size less than six (European or US measurement), don’t have a pair of pants with the waist size under 30 inches (76cm) then you are absolutely useless in your existence as a human being. According to the experts and a certain Fitness Book that is distributed through several colleges/universities around the United States and other countries: “Overweight and obese persons have low self esteem, no friends or companions, small spurts of happiness, a unhealthy love of food, continuous failed relationships and are depressed to the point whereas some have considered suicide and others have succeeded in ending their lives”.
BULLSHIT!!! UTTER AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!!
I’ll tell you why:
THE TRUTH: We are experiencing mass moral outrage over fat. Nearly all the warnings about obesity are based on statistical conjecture made by those with the most to gain from the claims. The "obesity epidemic" is worth billions to the pharmaceutical, diet, weight loss, media, and government agencies fueling it.
The International Obesity Task Force (which authored many of the World Health Organization's obesity reports) and the American Obesity Association (which actively campaigns to have obesity officially designated as a disease) are largely funded by pharmaceutical and weight loss companies. Nearly every prominent obesity "expert" has received financial support from the $50-billion weight loss industry.
* For pharmaceutical companies the obesity epidemic justifies the release of new drugs and inflates stock prices.
* For weight loss companies and surgeons performing bariatric surgery, the "obesity epidemic" funds their fees paid by health insurance providers and Medicare.
* For women's magazines the "obesity epidemic" fattens ad revenue and readership with false and misleading weight loss propaganda.
* For government agencies the "obesity epidemic" inflates budgets and programs allegedly aimed at preventing people from getting fatter.
Being overweight and/or obese has been linked as the major causes of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, hypertension, asthma, arthritis, impotence, depression, sleep apnea, deep vein thrombosis, and dementia.
However, when asked for the source of statistical data as well as the research documentation that should include blind and double blind studies – you won’t get it. These research companies cannot even tell you how many individuals participated in their studies. Don’t try the Freedom of Information Act (US) either as all of the studies are conducted by private companies who don’t have to release the data, but will release the ‘results’ of their studies.
THE TRUTH: Weight is not a barometer of wellness. More Americans die every year from weighing too little than from weighing too much (45,000 from disorders/organ failure associated with anorexia). An estimated 25,000 people die from morbid obesity. Moderately overweight people live longer than those at normal weight.
THE TRUTH: Obesity has not been found to be the primary cause of any of the above health problems. There is little evidence that adiposity (excess fat tissues) produces the claimed pathologies.
The researchers who estimated that obesity is costing us more than $100 billion a year in medical costs came up with this figure by calculating ALL expenses associated with treating type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, hypertension, gallbladder disease, and cancer. They ASSUME that if we get heart disease or breast cancer, it is because we're fat. Some have claimed that genetic history,exposure to toxic chemicals and STRESS has absolutely no relationship to the above named diseases.
The International Obesity Task Force estimates that 300 million people worldwide are obese and 750 million more are overweight, including 22 million children under age 5. They tend to show that one overweight child on television over and over. Watch and you'll see --- he has a stripped shirt, baggy tan coloured pants and a baseball cap!
According to the formula the U.S. government employs to measure weight, any person with a BMI over 25 is classified as overweight. BMI stands for Body Mass Index. It is a number that shows body weight adjusted for height. BMI can be calculated with simple math.
THE TRUTH: The B.M.I. doesn't tell you the percentage of body fat you're carrying, or how your fat is distributed. According to this measurement, half of the National Basketball Association is overweight or obese. 82% of the NFL is overweight or obese.
Some doctors and pseudo-scientific health organizations, like the International Obesity Task Force, have worked tirelessly (with substantial financial backing from diet and pharmaceutical companies) to lower the bar in determining those of us who are overweight and obese.
Until a report by the National Institute of Health (largely paid for by weight loss industry money paid to the International Obesity Task Force and the American Obesity Association) "overweight" was defined as having a BMI greater than 27 and "obese" meant your BMI was greater than 32.
After the 1998 NIH report, suddenly tens of millions of Americans became "obese" even though they had not gained a pound.
THE TRUTH: Today's average American adult is 7 to 14 pounds heavier than one thirty years ago. Not 40-70 pounds heavier as some ‘studies’ have suggested.
In the mid to late 90's, some 14 million prescriptions were written for Phen-Fen, a diet pill, before it was discovered to cause fatal heart problems and was pulled from the market.
In tests people who lost weight with the new drug Acomplia regained it all when they went off it. Apparently, the pill would have to be taken for years to be effective, though nobody knows what the long-term side effects might be. In the meantime, sales of Acomplia are expected to total $4 billion within two years.
Acomplia has two rivals on the market: Meridia, an appetite suppressant and Xenical, which prevents fat absorption. But Meridia can increase blood pressure, and Xenical causes diarrhea --- side effects that limit the products appeal. But the side effects of diarrhea, nausea, faintness, dizziness and racing heart rates, prevents you from eating therefore you lose weight, right? The work, right? How about death? The ultimate weight loss program?
THE TRUTH: Prescription ‘diet’ pills and obesity reducing surgeries amount to $50 billion plus dollars per year for the pharmaceutical companies. The amount that is being spent on diet supplements, programs and pills in the US alone (not FDA approved) is over $110 billion per year. They’ll keep telling us that we are fat and their pockets will get fatter.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that being overweight will contribute to certain disorders getting worse. However, what I don’t appreciate is the hyperbole that is being feed to people to the point where people who are not reflections of male and female models (which by the way are results of Photoshop) are being discriminated against and in some cases, ridiculed and insulted. People have lost their jobs and others won’t be hired because they don’t have the right ‘body image’.
So think about it next time you pass a moderately overweight or clinically obese person --- if the structure of the ‘ideal weight’ changes tomorrow, you could be one of ‘THEM’. The 'fat people' taking over the WORLD!
The government, politicians, media, journalists, scientists, universities, medical establishment, sociologists and social commentators, claim that obesity is an epidemic, a plague, a crisis, an outrage, a catastrophe, a time bomb responsible for killing 400,000 overfed Americans every year, while ringing up over a $100-billion in health care costs.
To add to the ‘fat terrorism’ problem, people are being brainwashed to think that if they aren’t in the spa/gym at least five times per week, don’t have a pair of ‘skinny jeans’, don’t have a eight pack abdomen, wear a dress size less than six (European or US measurement), don’t have a pair of pants with the waist size under 30 inches (76cm) then you are absolutely useless in your existence as a human being. According to the experts and a certain Fitness Book that is distributed through several colleges/universities around the United States and other countries: “Overweight and obese persons have low self esteem, no friends or companions, small spurts of happiness, a unhealthy love of food, continuous failed relationships and are depressed to the point whereas some have considered suicide and others have succeeded in ending their lives”.
BULLSHIT!!! UTTER AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!!
I’ll tell you why:
THE TRUTH: We are experiencing mass moral outrage over fat. Nearly all the warnings about obesity are based on statistical conjecture made by those with the most to gain from the claims. The "obesity epidemic" is worth billions to the pharmaceutical, diet, weight loss, media, and government agencies fueling it.
The International Obesity Task Force (which authored many of the World Health Organization's obesity reports) and the American Obesity Association (which actively campaigns to have obesity officially designated as a disease) are largely funded by pharmaceutical and weight loss companies. Nearly every prominent obesity "expert" has received financial support from the $50-billion weight loss industry.
* For pharmaceutical companies the obesity epidemic justifies the release of new drugs and inflates stock prices.
* For weight loss companies and surgeons performing bariatric surgery, the "obesity epidemic" funds their fees paid by health insurance providers and Medicare.
* For women's magazines the "obesity epidemic" fattens ad revenue and readership with false and misleading weight loss propaganda.
* For government agencies the "obesity epidemic" inflates budgets and programs allegedly aimed at preventing people from getting fatter.
Being overweight and/or obese has been linked as the major causes of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, hypertension, asthma, arthritis, impotence, depression, sleep apnea, deep vein thrombosis, and dementia.
However, when asked for the source of statistical data as well as the research documentation that should include blind and double blind studies – you won’t get it. These research companies cannot even tell you how many individuals participated in their studies. Don’t try the Freedom of Information Act (US) either as all of the studies are conducted by private companies who don’t have to release the data, but will release the ‘results’ of their studies.
THE TRUTH: Weight is not a barometer of wellness. More Americans die every year from weighing too little than from weighing too much (45,000 from disorders/organ failure associated with anorexia). An estimated 25,000 people die from morbid obesity. Moderately overweight people live longer than those at normal weight.
THE TRUTH: Obesity has not been found to be the primary cause of any of the above health problems. There is little evidence that adiposity (excess fat tissues) produces the claimed pathologies.
The researchers who estimated that obesity is costing us more than $100 billion a year in medical costs came up with this figure by calculating ALL expenses associated with treating type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, hypertension, gallbladder disease, and cancer. They ASSUME that if we get heart disease or breast cancer, it is because we're fat. Some have claimed that genetic history,exposure to toxic chemicals and STRESS has absolutely no relationship to the above named diseases.
The International Obesity Task Force estimates that 300 million people worldwide are obese and 750 million more are overweight, including 22 million children under age 5. They tend to show that one overweight child on television over and over. Watch and you'll see --- he has a stripped shirt, baggy tan coloured pants and a baseball cap!
According to the formula the U.S. government employs to measure weight, any person with a BMI over 25 is classified as overweight. BMI stands for Body Mass Index. It is a number that shows body weight adjusted for height. BMI can be calculated with simple math.
THE TRUTH: The B.M.I. doesn't tell you the percentage of body fat you're carrying, or how your fat is distributed. According to this measurement, half of the National Basketball Association is overweight or obese. 82% of the NFL is overweight or obese.
Some doctors and pseudo-scientific health organizations, like the International Obesity Task Force, have worked tirelessly (with substantial financial backing from diet and pharmaceutical companies) to lower the bar in determining those of us who are overweight and obese.
Until a report by the National Institute of Health (largely paid for by weight loss industry money paid to the International Obesity Task Force and the American Obesity Association) "overweight" was defined as having a BMI greater than 27 and "obese" meant your BMI was greater than 32.
After the 1998 NIH report, suddenly tens of millions of Americans became "obese" even though they had not gained a pound.
THE TRUTH: Today's average American adult is 7 to 14 pounds heavier than one thirty years ago. Not 40-70 pounds heavier as some ‘studies’ have suggested.
In the mid to late 90's, some 14 million prescriptions were written for Phen-Fen, a diet pill, before it was discovered to cause fatal heart problems and was pulled from the market.
In tests people who lost weight with the new drug Acomplia regained it all when they went off it. Apparently, the pill would have to be taken for years to be effective, though nobody knows what the long-term side effects might be. In the meantime, sales of Acomplia are expected to total $4 billion within two years.
Acomplia has two rivals on the market: Meridia, an appetite suppressant and Xenical, which prevents fat absorption. But Meridia can increase blood pressure, and Xenical causes diarrhea --- side effects that limit the products appeal. But the side effects of diarrhea, nausea, faintness, dizziness and racing heart rates, prevents you from eating therefore you lose weight, right? The work, right? How about death? The ultimate weight loss program?
THE TRUTH: Prescription ‘diet’ pills and obesity reducing surgeries amount to $50 billion plus dollars per year for the pharmaceutical companies. The amount that is being spent on diet supplements, programs and pills in the US alone (not FDA approved) is over $110 billion per year. They’ll keep telling us that we are fat and their pockets will get fatter.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that being overweight will contribute to certain disorders getting worse. However, what I don’t appreciate is the hyperbole that is being feed to people to the point where people who are not reflections of male and female models (which by the way are results of Photoshop) are being discriminated against and in some cases, ridiculed and insulted. People have lost their jobs and others won’t be hired because they don’t have the right ‘body image’.
So think about it next time you pass a moderately overweight or clinically obese person --- if the structure of the ‘ideal weight’ changes tomorrow, you could be one of ‘THEM’. The 'fat people' taking over the WORLD!
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Revisiting Classic Science Fiction
Ever wonder if some classic sci-fi could be revisited or re-imagined?
I know....that is subjective rather than objective. But still, it's an interesting thought exercise given some of what is classed as "classic" science fiction.
I mean, could you accept anyone reinterpreting Philip Hose Farmer's "Riverworld"? The Sci-Fi Network's attempt seemed lame and totally without regard to Farmer's major points of wonder.
That is but one example of a host of examples showing the film world's terrible penchant for not getting the point. Remember the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still"? Guess what? The Earth never did stand still. No benevolent act of power it seemed was worthy of a mention....even though it was the vital point of the first film.
Should "The Day the Earth Stood Still" have been considered for a remake? Sure! But in a couple of years when whoever owns the rights tries it again, maybe this time they will remember Gort's awesome stature. As opposed to turning Gort into billions of radioactive dust bunnies.
That is not to say that all interpretations of the written word are as bad as that. As we know, some are untouchable classics. Well, only one really. I rue the day that anyone decides to remake "2001: A Space Odyssey".
But apart from that exception, I think just about any written science fiction classic has the potential to be visualised or re-visualised. As long as the original author's point is maintained.
For example (not a written book example, but valid scripts)....remember "The Outer Limits" from the 60's?
Season one, episode one, "The Galaxy Being" - Wanna know a secret? As a kid I never dreamed bad dreams. I never had a nightmare. Until I saw this particular episode back in the sixties.
Cliff Robertson and the "Galaxy Being"
That show freaked me out! When my family viewed it as a repeat back in the sixties, I hid behind the sofa......I was terrified.
But I grew up and the nightmares stopped.
Still, I have always been fascinated by the "Kubrick-esque" aspect of the "Galaxy Being" episode.
"Kubrick-esque"? Sure! Note the blinding brightness of the Californian sky in the beginning. The clinical difference between one scene composition and another. The careful reasoning meant for the science questions that were sure to follow. This episode of "The Outer Limits" is a classic for those reasons alone.
It only took me 40 f***ing years to get that. But then again, I didn't know Kubrick back then.
But one night, I asked myself a question.........could that be re-written? Could that be updated? Could that be re-prepared for a 2010 audience but still be faithful to the original? I mean, the facts that have overtaken the original zeitgeist are enormous. But still, could it be reworked keeping the original moral question intact?
I think it could.
What do you think?
I'd like to ask readers (if any) to comment on how best the original intent of the story could be served and how the technology could be updated to reflect the 21st century and not seem so hokey.
I have a good idea.......but do you?
I know....that is subjective rather than objective. But still, it's an interesting thought exercise given some of what is classed as "classic" science fiction.
I mean, could you accept anyone reinterpreting Philip Hose Farmer's "Riverworld"? The Sci-Fi Network's attempt seemed lame and totally without regard to Farmer's major points of wonder.
That is but one example of a host of examples showing the film world's terrible penchant for not getting the point. Remember the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still"? Guess what? The Earth never did stand still. No benevolent act of power it seemed was worthy of a mention....even though it was the vital point of the first film.
Should "The Day the Earth Stood Still" have been considered for a remake? Sure! But in a couple of years when whoever owns the rights tries it again, maybe this time they will remember Gort's awesome stature. As opposed to turning Gort into billions of radioactive dust bunnies.
That is not to say that all interpretations of the written word are as bad as that. As we know, some are untouchable classics. Well, only one really. I rue the day that anyone decides to remake "2001: A Space Odyssey".
But apart from that exception, I think just about any written science fiction classic has the potential to be visualised or re-visualised. As long as the original author's point is maintained.
For example (not a written book example, but valid scripts)....remember "The Outer Limits" from the 60's?
Season one, episode one, "The Galaxy Being" - Wanna know a secret? As a kid I never dreamed bad dreams. I never had a nightmare. Until I saw this particular episode back in the sixties.
Cliff Robertson and the "Galaxy Being"
That show freaked me out! When my family viewed it as a repeat back in the sixties, I hid behind the sofa......I was terrified.
But I grew up and the nightmares stopped.
Still, I have always been fascinated by the "Kubrick-esque" aspect of the "Galaxy Being" episode.
"Kubrick-esque"? Sure! Note the blinding brightness of the Californian sky in the beginning. The clinical difference between one scene composition and another. The careful reasoning meant for the science questions that were sure to follow. This episode of "The Outer Limits" is a classic for those reasons alone.
It only took me 40 f***ing years to get that. But then again, I didn't know Kubrick back then.
But one night, I asked myself a question.........could that be re-written? Could that be updated? Could that be re-prepared for a 2010 audience but still be faithful to the original? I mean, the facts that have overtaken the original zeitgeist are enormous. But still, could it be reworked keeping the original moral question intact?
I think it could.
What do you think?
I'd like to ask readers (if any) to comment on how best the original intent of the story could be served and how the technology could be updated to reflect the 21st century and not seem so hokey.
I have a good idea.......but do you?
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Events or Things We Could Have Done Without During 2009
Celebrity News - Was it absolutely necessary for us to know who was getting divorced, had an affair, posed nude, got beat up, got arrested or the worse, had to sell one of their multi-million dollar homes?
Teabaggers – As much as I would like a well formed protest, this movement was suggested by a well known network and the people who were protesting didn’t have a clue of what they were actually protesting about. C’mon – they were protesting against tax hikes, TARP funds and changes in Medicare which were initiated by the previous US President.
The Balloon Boy – Networks were interrupted for non-stop coverage featuring a silver balloon floating in the air. If that wasn’t bad enough, some networks decided to loop the video over and over.
The Balloon Boy The Next Morning – Once again the networks looped the video of the little boy stating that he was sick and somehow managed to turn up the volume output to accentuate the fact that he was vomiting in the bathroom.
Town Hall Meetings - Truly an embarrassment to all Americans. The whole world viewed angry Americans, violent Americans and other Americans who were manipulated by corporations who released false information in order to scare people and set in fear. When fear is abundant, truth rarely is listened to or offered.
Levi Johnson – His claim to fame is that he was able to get the daughter of the Vice-Presidential nominee pregnant.
Jon and Kate Plus 8 - Didn’t know who they were until they appeared on every single tabloid magazine cover in the supermarket and every major network morning show. Still don’t know why I should get to know them.
Reality Shows – Just stop doing them, please! There was a time when networks had comedy shows and variety specials. Now they have shows to feature people you should criticize and detest. That way you feel so much better about your life.
The Snuggie - now available in prints!
15 Minutes of Fame Politicians – “Whatever it is, no matter how much good it will do, I’m against it.” In actuality, the statement that should have been said was “I must protest against the better road for the country so I can get on TV. That way the people who voted for me can remember my face when I run for office next year".
Unemployment Statistics – I’m not against the revealing of how many are unemployed, I am against the statistics being stated. In the US the ‘official’ unemployment rate is currently 10.1%. However this is not a true percentage of Americans out of work. The real number is 27% if they include the people who are no longer receiving unemployment, have stopped looking for a job because they are not available and temporary workers who are signed with an agency, but are not working. And if they don't include the foreign workers who work for the government on foreign soil, then it is actually higher.
Wall Street Executives – The boys club to beat all boys club. Each Wall Street executive has worked for another Wall Street firm and they leave and go to another Wall Street firm for the same reason: Money. The same guys who worked at AIG, worked at Goldman Sachs, worked at Bank of America, worked at Citibank, etc. Nice to able to have eight weeks on a job, resign and walk with $40 million in your bank account. I thought it was so endearing to have a previous Wall Street executive complain that with his salary ($22M plus stock options) he couldn't maintain the private petting zoo for his daughter.
OctoMom - She had eight babies and she was five cans short of a six pack. Would have liked to see more about people who are foster/adoptive parents to 10 or 15 children, some of whom have emotional or physical disabilities. They just don't make the news for their efforts!
Swine Flu – Although the threat of a pandemic was real, we really would have appreciated some honest and credible information regarding who had it, who it affected and why the vaccine was so late in being released and only available to certain people. What got up my nose is that certain companies who were not in the health services field, were able to buy the vaccine for a very profitable price.
Of course this list is only a sampling and I would welcome comments regarding other events or things we could have done without during 2009. Just think of what the list will be like for 2010……
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