MDM News - All the news that should be said

(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)

Headline -

"Swiss village: pay your dog tax or fido gets it"

Source (click on the yellow link):

MSNBC article dated 10 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"Concerned Canines Cower as Delinquent Dodgers Decide"

Dateline - Geneva, Switzerland - 10 January 2011 - The Swiss village of Reconvilier has come up with a novel way to compel registered dog owners to cough up their beloved pet's yearly tax. They have resurrected a 1904 law that allows the village to dispose of dogs if the owner does not pay the tax.

Local official Pierre-Alain Nemitz claims the enforcement is part of an effort to catch up on thousands of francs of unpaid and/or back taxes.

"This isn't about a mass execution of dogs," Nemitz said. "It's meant to put pressure on people who don't cooperate."

This is, of course, not an original idea. The American based National Lampoon first attempted this style of revenue raising with the January 1973 issue of their monthly magazine.

Ok, whilst not precisely the same thing (click link), it's very similar in spirit.

So hats off to you Reconvilier. Let's hope that local dog fanciers appreciate your new wave-ish sense of humour.

Good thing you aren't deadly (pardon the pun) serious about this. I mean……what? You ARE deadly serious about this?

Guys? I'd be checking every package delivery from now on if I were you.

*gulp

Headline -

"Anti-game of the night: Lakers beat Cavaliers by 55 points"

Source (click on the yellow link):

NBC sports article dated 12 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"Washington Generals worried - immediately seek contract renewal with Harlem Globetrotters"

Dateline - Los Angeles - 11 January 2011 - The LeBron James-less Cleveland Cavaliers were handed down their worst beating in many moons at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Varejao too was absent for the night which left the Cavs front line wide open to the havoc played by Bynum and Pau Gasol. From the opening, the Lakers started the game off with three straight three-pointers and it seemed it was all downhill from there.

It's been a tough season for the Cavs with the loss of their premier player to the Miami Heat and all the negative publicity that has surrounded it. But the nights game seemed the icing on a very bitter cake indeed.

What's left now for the Cavaliers? Well, if what was reported to be heard echoing from the coaches bench is any indication, I think they better check their passports are all in order. Utterings such as:

"Use your OPPOSITE hand to bounce the ball. No, not at the same time!"

"Fade left on the pick and roll……your OTHER LEFT!"

"Aww, geez! The ball is connected to his hand by a piece of elastic! Can't ya see that?"

"What the…? Ref! He's throwing buckets of confetti on the audience!!"

"If Bryant does not stop whistling 'Sweet Georgia Brown' soon, I'm gonna punch him in the face."

But seriously folks, rumours that the Cavs will be joining the next Globetrotters tour as reserves for the Washington Generals are greatly exaggerated.

The Cavs only WISH they would be good enough for 1st reserve…..HA!

Headline -

"The Fifty Funniest People of the Decade (Photos)
The 50 Funniest People Of The Decade (PHOTOS)"

Source (click on the yellow link):

Huffington Post article dated 1 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"The Fifty Funniest People of the Decade - could not make it so here is this bunch."

Dateline - Huff Post - 1 January 2011 - Wanna hear a funny story? The Huffington Post thinks this lot (see above link) are the funniest people of the decade. That's it….that's the joke.

Not funny? Yeah, I know.

No doubt some of those mentioned in the photo blog are funny and might even make it into a final cut, but all of them?

Ok…Aziz Ansari is pretty funny. He's a NKOTB with a punchy delivery style and some dry observations. But top 50 of the decade? Just because he made it into Sandler's "Funny People" (movie) doesn't mean he is quite there just yet.

Louis C.K.? One failed HBO sitcom and some limited stand-up does not a giant killer make!

Ok, if ya gonna put Larry David in there, then why not Judd Apatow? They're both producer/writers. But Apatow has WAY more movie success.

(oh…wait….Apatow is in the list…oops)

Paul Rudd? He's a perennial side-kick! Granted, a funny one. But not necessarily the funniest.

The Flight of the Conchords? TOKENISM! Kiwi blow-ins, I tells ya! Ok, ok, Brett and Jemaine are pretty tal'nted (get it?). But their HBO comedy series is only a hit because they seem to be able to get lots and lots and lots of A listers to turn up in guest shots and cameos. Whadaya expect? It's set in New York City for chissakes!

Mitch Hedberg????? Who???? Ok….enough said.

Anderson Cooper? Since I think Anderson prides himself on serious journalism, I am not sure how he's gonna take his spot in the list.

Tim and Eric? My gawd! Even Barry Humphries (Dame Edna Everage) gave up dadaism over 50 years ago! Why? "It wasn't very funny" said Barry. I guess Tim and Eric didn't get the memo.

Jimmy Fallon? Well sure……when he was back on SNL. Now he's just boring and he mostly tries too hard.

Michael Cera? Ok, if playing yourself as an irritatingly nervous little shit puts you in the top 50 list, then I would suggest Michael see a therapist.

Paul F. Tompkins? He's a part-time guest commentator on TV pundit shows. What's he doing in the list? Ok…so he does a little stand-up too. What about Michael Musto from the Village Voice? He does social and satirical comment as well. Doesn't do any stand-up to my knowledge, but he gets invited to parties a lot…..and very gay affairs they are too. Why isn't he on the list?

And just who the fuck is Brian Regan??

Orright, orright, I've had my bitch. But geez Huff Post…..would it kill ya to ask around a bit instead of studying just those channels offered by Comcast or DirectTV?

Headline -

"David Nelson, last of TV's 'Ozzie and Harriet,' is dead"

Source (click on the yellow link):

CNN article dated 12 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"Last Member of First Reality TV Family Dies"

Dateline - Los Angeles - 11 January 2011 - David Nelson, son of Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and older brother of Ricky died Tuesday after suffering colon cancer. He was 74 years old.

At the age of 16, he joined his parents and younger brother on the radio show "Here Come the Nelsons" which evolved into the television program, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet".

Thought by some to be the first "reality TV" show, the show featured on the ABC network from 1952 to 1966.

First reality TV show? That's a bit of a stretch isn't it?

I mean, reality TV is supposed to be about real people! Oh…..they are real people? Ok, I'll give ya that one.

But reality TV shows cover the antics of these people in their day to day lives. Oh…..well, I guess Ozzie and Harriet covered that too, huh.

Aha! BUT, Ozzie and Harriet, as opposed to REAL reality TV, dealt with contrived situations where producers and script writers would tell them what...to...say...and...how...to...behave...

ahem (cough, cough).

Ok, forget it. I think I'll quit while I'm behind.