MDM News - All the news that should be said

(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)

Headline -

"Accidental 'butt-dial' sends out SWAT team"

Source (click on the yellow link):

MSNBC article dated 5 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"Chicago husband gives 'booty call' entirely new meaning"

Dateline - Winnetka, Illinois - 5 January 2011 - A man's wife became concerned when she received a cell phone call from her husband but could get no reply and heard nothing but hip-hop music in the background. Her response? To call the police ending in a SWAT team descending on the Carleton Washburn School where the non-responsive husband was employed as an administrative worker.

The SWAT team swoop was later called off when the husband turned up safe and sound at home.

The reason for all the kerfuffle? Apparently, the husband had stored his cell phone in his back pocket and as he drove home, he unknowingly had placed a call to his wife (owing to the pressure of the posterior on the cell phone buttons) as he sat and cheerfully drove while hip-hop music pumped madly away from his car radio. He then evidently failed to hear his wife's voice pleading for him to respond due to him sitting on the phone at the time.

The wife then concluded, as we all would have obviously, that her husband had fallen victim to a kidnapping attempt by a hitherto unknown and possibly drug crazed, rap music loving urban gang that preys on unsuspecting public school employees.

I am suspecting there is some stereotypical profiling going on here, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it. Boy that's annoying….but I digress.

I can already hear comedy writers crying foul around the country. "See?" they would exclaim. "See how hard our job is? I mean, you just can't make shit like this up!"

For the rest who might think that accidental booty calling is becoming a real problem, might I advise a 'flip-phone'?

Headline -

"Wakefield study that linked autism with MMR vaccine was fraud: British Medical Journal"

Source (click on the yellow link):

AdelaideNow article dated 6 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"Lies, Damn Lies and British Medical Studies - Statistics bumped to fourth place"

Dateline - London - 6 January 2011 - What was thought to be one of the major reasons for autism may have been given its death blow following conclusions reached by the British Medical Journal after hearings concluded concerning conflict of interest and the unethical treatment of patients during a 1998 study.

The publishing of the study itself was withdrawn by the prestigious medical journal, The Lancet, last year.

The study, which covered the links between MMR vaccination and autism, and the resulting paper published but then retracted by The Lancet, has now been accused of attempting to deceive.

"The paper was in fact an elaborate fraud, " said the British Medical Journal in an editorial and later adding "There are hard lessons for many in this highly damaging saga."

Well! Ain't this a bugger for all them folks who have been screaming and pointing at statistics over the last few years claiming the rise in the incidence of autism correlated with the widespread distribution of MMR (Mumps, Measles and Rubella) vaccine and others.

All they will have left now is the OTHER statistic - that the rise in the incidence of autism correlated directly to the increasingly refined methods in being able to DETECT it. Something that serious scientists have been pointing to all along.

I suppose that it's up to people individually if they wanna make something out of statistics that isn't there. I mean, isn't that what advertising and politics is all about?

But to endanger the lives of children just because some idiot saw a statistical relationship that wasn't there…not even hinted at? Now THAT takes breathtaking balls with equivalent stupidity.

Ladies and gentlemen……I give you Occam's Razor. Life does not need to be that hard.

One thing out of all this though……I bet Jenny McCarthy is really pissed. Not to mention ex-boyfriend Jim Carrey.

Headline -

"South Korea Soldiers Train for Winter"

Source (click on the yellow link):

Huffington Post article dated 4 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"YMCA ecstatic over potential new membership"

Dateline - Korea - 4 January 2011 -The South Korean military has decided to fight back against criticism that they are sluggish and ill-prepared by publishing photos of specialised army training.

"Specialised" indeed! I don't think I have seen "specialised" like this since the Village People!

There was word that more photos were taken of their post training partying, but as it turned out to be more like the Steel Industry parody from "The Simpsons", the South Korean Army Publicity Unit decided to save it for their "Christmas Outtakes Collection".

The local YMCA membership director could not be contacted, but it is believed that he is VERY excited…..in more ways than one apparently.

But in the meantime, lower those mirror balls guys and let's BOOGIE!!!!

"Everybody dance now! - duh, duh, dahh, dahh, duh, duh…."

(not that there's anything wrong with that)