MDM News - All the news that should be said

(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)

Headline -

"The mom of a 'princess boy' speaks out"

Source:

TODAY Article dated 3 January

What Headline Should Say -

"Need for SNL drug 'Homocil' vindicated - Drug companies race to perfect"

Dateline - The Today show - 4 January 2011 - Mothers? Break out your recipes for crème brulee as it looks like someone will be taking over in the kitchen soon.

Cheryl Kilodavis finds her son Dyson to be an inspiration. The inspiration for a book she wrote called "My Princess Boy" highlighting her 5 year old son's preference for pink, sparkly dresses - not that there is anything wrong with that.

Apparently it took some effort for Cheryl to accept her son's love for pink dresses, telling him at first boys can't be princesses. But the advice of her older son convinced her eventually that this was Dyson's call. Well….at least young Dyson, a 5 year old remember, doesn't have an identity crisis…not now anyway. But how about when he is in his 13th year and Cheryl comes across his porno stash - his STRAIGHT porno stash. Who's gonna be more confused? Him or Cheryl?

Anyway, this all does bring to mind a terrific ad parody from the good folks at the American sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live. The SNL drug of choice for all those times when just don't know what the hell is going on.

Good luck Dyson! But just as a back up, I think I'd be booking in for those martial arts classes real soon. You're alright buddy.

Cheryl? Might I advise less book writing and more therapy. You seem to have a pathological urge to make a big deal out of this.

Headline -

"Whew! Pat Robertson: No Nuclear Holocaust in '11"

Source:

CBS News Article dated 3 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"That pee stained guy from Times Square is at it again"

Dateline - Virginia Beach, Va - 3 January 2011 - 700 Club founder, broadcaster and all around nut-job Pat Robertson is at it again claiming God has spoken to him.

Apparently this time God has told Pat - personally it seems - that the United States is about to be bankrupt after lenders demand their money back. BUT….have no fear…..there will be no nuclear war.

Once described by media commentator Bill Maher as that (paraphrasing) "old urine stained guy you always see in Times Square", Robertson said that the Almighty gave him the guff that US creditors will demand payment in 2012 and that US won't be able to cough up resulting in currency collapse, rampant unemployment and maybe even some riots.

Huh? Since when did current affairs become predictions? Hey Pat…..maybe you should read up a bit…..we are already there!

While we're at it, let's check out some of Pat's other predictions:

1982 - Pat predicted Judgment day. But wait…isn't that on May 21st this year? I guess he forgot to carry the one.

2006 - Pat predicted a tsunami would hit the northwestern United States coastline. No tsunami but apparently tourism went up.

2007 - A terrorist attack was predicted that would lead to "mass killings" and be possibly of a nuclear nature. When nothing happened, Robertson pointed to mass prayer at which point he said "God in his mercy spared us." Convenient. But it also could have meant that God was having him on.

2008 - All in nuclear war (Pat does seem to love nuclear wars) in the Middle East after Irael attacks Iran, then Syria attacks Israel, etc., etc. "it is my opinion that we have between 75 and 120 days before the Middle East starts spinning out of control.", said Pat. At this point, feel free to make woo-woo and tweety bird noises.

2009 - Economic chaos followed by a recovery. Well, he was half right. Unfortunately, it was the wrong half.

Pat? Give it a rest, me old china….and I do mean old. Whatever it is that you are involved in - soothsayers, religion, geriatrics, whatever - you are giving it a bad name.

I hear rest homes in Virginia get a good rap. Maybe you should look into that.

Headline -

"Fla. man says he'll live in lions' den for 30 days"

Source:

Newsvine article dated 3 January 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"Fla. lions postpone local butcher delivery for 30 days"

Dateline - Florida - 3 January 2011 - A Florida man, James Jablon, says he will live in an enclosure alongside two African lions for the next 30 days.

Mr. Jablon says he is performing the exercise in an effort to raise money for his wildlife centre, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.

Jablon commenced his stay in the enclosure on Saturday claiming he will sleep on hay near the lions.

When asked for comment, Ed - one of the lions alongside his partner Lea - said "Sure, he looks a little tough and stringy, but nothing that a little tenderising wouldn't fix. Anyways, I told Lea to hold off on that butcher order for a while."

When asked what his chances were, Ed replied "Pretty good. Provided he can stay awake for, just a second…." at which point, Ed broke out a calculator. "….30 days, or 720 hours, or 43,200 minutes, or 2,592,000 seconds AND figure out where the hell we stashed the whip, the chair and the back-up cattle prod."

Ed and Lea then returned to Mr. Jablon where they licked his face, then turned to this reporter, winked and made a 'thumbs up' sign.