MDM News - All the news that should be said

(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)

Headline -

"Some Hotmail users report missing e-mails"

Source:

MSNBC Article dated January 01, 2011

What Headline Should Say -

"Veteran Web Based Email Supplier finally showing signs of senility - Euthanasia plans canceled as natural death appears near"

Dateline - New York - 01 January 2011 - Hotmail? What the hell is hotmail? Oh….right! That old thing. Anyway, it seems that many part time users have felt the need to check out the email list on their favourite 4th string back-up email facility; the old dinosaur called "Hotmail". The problem is that when checking out the cyber equivalent to Al Jolson singing "Mammy" in a cinema back in 1927, they found that their email list had been blown away. Oops!

When contacted for comment, the Windows Live support spokeswoman said "Mmmph-meglap-dumbumble-fwaat-mungle.." followed by what appeared to be several farting noises.

When she returned from the toilet and put her teeth in, she stated that "At this point it appears to be a limited issue, and Microsoft is working with individual users who are impacted. We apologize for any inconvenience to our customers…". It must be noted that she appeared to read this off of a laminated card…….through extremely thick glasses.

The rest of the technicians at the Shady Pines Nursing Facility - slash - Windows Live Support Centre seemed remarkably spry and motivated upon heaing of the problem and report planning to address the issue right after Matlock is over.

Headline -

"Miller ending legal battle, conceding Senate race"

Source:

MSNBC Article dated 31 December 2010

What Headline Should Say -

"Joe Miller Quits - Continues Tradition of Noted Alaskan Quitters"

Dateline - JUNEAU, Alaska - 31 December 2010 - It appears that Republican senate candidate for the state of Alaska, Joe Miller, has conceded his attempts to foil the write-in candidate Lisa Muckowsky….Merlowsky…..McLucky….WTF!!…..MURKOWSKI (phew!) from gaining an Alaskan senate seat. Ms. Murkowski is now a senator elect for the state of Alaska and has been confirmed by the current Alaskan governor (no, not her……the one who took over after she quit) and will soon be sworn in on the senate floor……and probably be sworn at if Miller turns up in the gallery.

Mr. Miller has exhausted several attempts at denying Ms. Murkowski her duly delegated senate position, including three state court electoral appeals, two federal, and taking a shot at her from a helicopter using a high powered rifle. All to no avail.

A designated Miller spokesperson, when asked if Miller would phone to congratulate Ms. Murkowski, explained that Mr. Miller did not plan to do so. When asked if she had won it fair and square, the spokesperson replied that "is not in his thinking."

When pressed on why Mr. Miller would not comply with electoral tradition, the spokesperson finally blurted "Because he's a childish bad loser and an asshole! That's Why! What do ya want from me? Do I have to spell it out?"

At which point, two burly men in suits appeared, chained him up, and led him away.

Headline -

"'What Not to Wear' star slams Sarah Palin"

Source:

Today Show 'The Clicker' dated 30 December 2010

What Headline Should Say -

"Sarah Palin Slammed for Not Wearing Anything"

Dateline - Los Angeles - 30 December 2010 - The Learning Channel (TLC) star and co-host of "What Not To Wear", Clinton Kelly, has criticised Sarah Palin and referred to her show as an "eight-hour info-commercial on my network."

He is, of course, referring to the fellow TLC program called "Sarah Palin's Alaska".

"What bothers me most about her is her hypocrisy," said Kelly on a recent television show. "Look at nature. Look at this beautiful Alaska. Look at how beautiful everything is. Let's go kill something because we need some meat in the refrigerator." he continued.

Does this mean that Kelly and fellow Palin disliker Aaron Sorkin will be swapping spit in a shower sometime soon in support of a common cause? Probably not. But that is not because they haven't anything in common…..

It's probably more because Mr. Kelly has to learn to fly higher towards the sun if he seeks Mr. Sorkin's attention. As illustrated in Aaron's December 8th 2010 commentary in the Huffington Post.

In the meantime, maybe they can twitter the light fantastique about the dreaded wicked witch of teabagging. I still think it's funny though that he didn't mention anything about what she wears. Whatsamatter? Kitty got no claws? Rowrr? Mew?