MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Swiss village: pay your dog tax or fido gets it"
Source (click on the yellow link):
MSNBC article dated 10 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Concerned Canines Cower as Delinquent Dodgers Decide"
Dateline - Geneva, Switzerland - 10 January 2011 - The Swiss village of Reconvilier has come up with a novel way to compel registered dog owners to cough up their beloved pet's yearly tax. They have resurrected a 1904 law that allows the village to dispose of dogs if the owner does not pay the tax.
Local official Pierre-Alain Nemitz claims the enforcement is part of an effort to catch up on thousands of francs of unpaid and/or back taxes.
"This isn't about a mass execution of dogs," Nemitz said. "It's meant to put pressure on people who don't cooperate."
This is, of course, not an original idea. The American based National Lampoon first attempted this style of revenue raising with the January 1973 issue of their monthly magazine.
Ok, whilst not precisely the same thing (click link), it's very similar in spirit.
So hats off to you Reconvilier. Let's hope that local dog fanciers appreciate your new wave-ish sense of humour.
Good thing you aren't deadly (pardon the pun) serious about this. I mean……what? You ARE deadly serious about this?
Guys? I'd be checking every package delivery from now on if I were you.
*gulp
Headline -
"Anti-game of the night: Lakers beat Cavaliers by 55 points"
Source (click on the yellow link):
NBC sports article dated 12 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Washington Generals worried - immediately seek contract renewal with Harlem Globetrotters"
Dateline - Los Angeles - 11 January 2011 - The LeBron James-less Cleveland Cavaliers were handed down their worst beating in many moons at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers.
Varejao too was absent for the night which left the Cavs front line wide open to the havoc played by Bynum and Pau Gasol. From the opening, the Lakers started the game off with three straight three-pointers and it seemed it was all downhill from there.
It's been a tough season for the Cavs with the loss of their premier player to the Miami Heat and all the negative publicity that has surrounded it. But the nights game seemed the icing on a very bitter cake indeed.
What's left now for the Cavaliers? Well, if what was reported to be heard echoing from the coaches bench is any indication, I think they better check their passports are all in order. Utterings such as:
"Use your OPPOSITE hand to bounce the ball. No, not at the same time!"
"Fade left on the pick and roll……your OTHER LEFT!"
"Aww, geez! The ball is connected to his hand by a piece of elastic! Can't ya see that?"
"What the…? Ref! He's throwing buckets of confetti on the audience!!"
"If Bryant does not stop whistling 'Sweet Georgia Brown' soon, I'm gonna punch him in the face."
But seriously folks, rumours that the Cavs will be joining the next Globetrotters tour as reserves for the Washington Generals are greatly exaggerated.
The Cavs only WISH they would be good enough for 1st reserve…..HA!
Headline -
"The Fifty Funniest People of the Decade (Photos)
The 50 Funniest People Of The Decade (PHOTOS)"
Source (click on the yellow link):
Huffington Post article dated 1 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"The Fifty Funniest People of the Decade - could not make it so here is this bunch."
Dateline - Huff Post - 1 January 2011 - Wanna hear a funny story? The Huffington Post thinks this lot (see above link) are the funniest people of the decade. That's it….that's the joke.
Not funny? Yeah, I know.
No doubt some of those mentioned in the photo blog are funny and might even make it into a final cut, but all of them?
Ok…Aziz Ansari is pretty funny. He's a NKOTB with a punchy delivery style and some dry observations. But top 50 of the decade? Just because he made it into Sandler's "Funny People" (movie) doesn't mean he is quite there just yet.
Louis C.K.? One failed HBO sitcom and some limited stand-up does not a giant killer make!
Ok, if ya gonna put Larry David in there, then why not Judd Apatow? They're both producer/writers. But Apatow has WAY more movie success.
(oh…wait….Apatow is in the list…oops)
Paul Rudd? He's a perennial side-kick! Granted, a funny one. But not necessarily the funniest.
The Flight of the Conchords? TOKENISM! Kiwi blow-ins, I tells ya! Ok, ok, Brett and Jemaine are pretty tal'nted (get it?). But their HBO comedy series is only a hit because they seem to be able to get lots and lots and lots of A listers to turn up in guest shots and cameos. Whadaya expect? It's set in New York City for chissakes!
Mitch Hedberg????? Who???? Ok….enough said.
Anderson Cooper? Since I think Anderson prides himself on serious journalism, I am not sure how he's gonna take his spot in the list.
Tim and Eric? My gawd! Even Barry Humphries (Dame Edna Everage) gave up dadaism over 50 years ago! Why? "It wasn't very funny" said Barry. I guess Tim and Eric didn't get the memo.
Jimmy Fallon? Well sure……when he was back on SNL. Now he's just boring and he mostly tries too hard.
Michael Cera? Ok, if playing yourself as an irritatingly nervous little shit puts you in the top 50 list, then I would suggest Michael see a therapist.
Paul F. Tompkins? He's a part-time guest commentator on TV pundit shows. What's he doing in the list? Ok…so he does a little stand-up too. What about Michael Musto from the Village Voice? He does social and satirical comment as well. Doesn't do any stand-up to my knowledge, but he gets invited to parties a lot…..and very gay affairs they are too. Why isn't he on the list?
And just who the fuck is Brian Regan??
Orright, orright, I've had my bitch. But geez Huff Post…..would it kill ya to ask around a bit instead of studying just those channels offered by Comcast or DirectTV?
Headline -
"David Nelson, last of TV's 'Ozzie and Harriet,' is dead"
Source (click on the yellow link):
CNN article dated 12 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Last Member of First Reality TV Family Dies"
Dateline - Los Angeles - 11 January 2011 - David Nelson, son of Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and older brother of Ricky died Tuesday after suffering colon cancer. He was 74 years old.
At the age of 16, he joined his parents and younger brother on the radio show "Here Come the Nelsons" which evolved into the television program, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet".
Thought by some to be the first "reality TV" show, the show featured on the ABC network from 1952 to 1966.
First reality TV show? That's a bit of a stretch isn't it?
I mean, reality TV is supposed to be about real people! Oh…..they are real people? Ok, I'll give ya that one.
But reality TV shows cover the antics of these people in their day to day lives. Oh…..well, I guess Ozzie and Harriet covered that too, huh.
Aha! BUT, Ozzie and Harriet, as opposed to REAL reality TV, dealt with contrived situations where producers and script writers would tell them what...to...say...and...how...to...behave...
ahem (cough, cough).
Ok, forget it. I think I'll quit while I'm behind.
Wednesday 12 January 2011
Thursday 6 January 2011
MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Accidental 'butt-dial' sends out SWAT team"
Source (click on the yellow link):
MSNBC article dated 5 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Chicago husband gives 'booty call' entirely new meaning"
Dateline - Winnetka, Illinois - 5 January 2011 - A man's wife became concerned when she received a cell phone call from her husband but could get no reply and heard nothing but hip-hop music in the background. Her response? To call the police ending in a SWAT team descending on the Carleton Washburn School where the non-responsive husband was employed as an administrative worker.
The SWAT team swoop was later called off when the husband turned up safe and sound at home.
The reason for all the kerfuffle? Apparently, the husband had stored his cell phone in his back pocket and as he drove home, he unknowingly had placed a call to his wife (owing to the pressure of the posterior on the cell phone buttons) as he sat and cheerfully drove while hip-hop music pumped madly away from his car radio. He then evidently failed to hear his wife's voice pleading for him to respond due to him sitting on the phone at the time.
The wife then concluded, as we all would have obviously, that her husband had fallen victim to a kidnapping attempt by a hitherto unknown and possibly drug crazed, rap music loving urban gang that preys on unsuspecting public school employees.
I am suspecting there is some stereotypical profiling going on here, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it. Boy that's annoying….but I digress.
I can already hear comedy writers crying foul around the country. "See?" they would exclaim. "See how hard our job is? I mean, you just can't make shit like this up!"
For the rest who might think that accidental booty calling is becoming a real problem, might I advise a 'flip-phone'?
Headline -
"Wakefield study that linked autism with MMR vaccine was fraud: British Medical Journal"
Source (click on the yellow link):
AdelaideNow article dated 6 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Lies, Damn Lies and British Medical Studies - Statistics bumped to fourth place"
Dateline - London - 6 January 2011 - What was thought to be one of the major reasons for autism may have been given its death blow following conclusions reached by the British Medical Journal after hearings concluded concerning conflict of interest and the unethical treatment of patients during a 1998 study.
The publishing of the study itself was withdrawn by the prestigious medical journal, The Lancet, last year.
The study, which covered the links between MMR vaccination and autism, and the resulting paper published but then retracted by The Lancet, has now been accused of attempting to deceive.
"The paper was in fact an elaborate fraud, " said the British Medical Journal in an editorial and later adding "There are hard lessons for many in this highly damaging saga."
Well! Ain't this a bugger for all them folks who have been screaming and pointing at statistics over the last few years claiming the rise in the incidence of autism correlated with the widespread distribution of MMR (Mumps, Measles and Rubella) vaccine and others.
All they will have left now is the OTHER statistic - that the rise in the incidence of autism correlated directly to the increasingly refined methods in being able to DETECT it. Something that serious scientists have been pointing to all along.
I suppose that it's up to people individually if they wanna make something out of statistics that isn't there. I mean, isn't that what advertising and politics is all about?
But to endanger the lives of children just because some idiot saw a statistical relationship that wasn't there…not even hinted at? Now THAT takes breathtaking balls with equivalent stupidity.
Ladies and gentlemen……I give you Occam's Razor. Life does not need to be that hard.
One thing out of all this though……I bet Jenny McCarthy is really pissed. Not to mention ex-boyfriend Jim Carrey.
Headline -
"South Korea Soldiers Train for Winter"
Source (click on the yellow link):
Huffington Post article dated 4 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"YMCA ecstatic over potential new membership"
Dateline - Korea - 4 January 2011 -The South Korean military has decided to fight back against criticism that they are sluggish and ill-prepared by publishing photos of specialised army training.
"Specialised" indeed! I don't think I have seen "specialised" like this since the Village People!
There was word that more photos were taken of their post training partying, but as it turned out to be more like the Steel Industry parody from "The Simpsons", the South Korean Army Publicity Unit decided to save it for their "Christmas Outtakes Collection".
The local YMCA membership director could not be contacted, but it is believed that he is VERY excited…..in more ways than one apparently.
But in the meantime, lower those mirror balls guys and let's BOOGIE!!!!
"Everybody dance now! - duh, duh, dahh, dahh, duh, duh…."
(not that there's anything wrong with that)
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Accidental 'butt-dial' sends out SWAT team"
Source (click on the yellow link):
MSNBC article dated 5 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Chicago husband gives 'booty call' entirely new meaning"
Dateline - Winnetka, Illinois - 5 January 2011 - A man's wife became concerned when she received a cell phone call from her husband but could get no reply and heard nothing but hip-hop music in the background. Her response? To call the police ending in a SWAT team descending on the Carleton Washburn School where the non-responsive husband was employed as an administrative worker.
The SWAT team swoop was later called off when the husband turned up safe and sound at home.
The reason for all the kerfuffle? Apparently, the husband had stored his cell phone in his back pocket and as he drove home, he unknowingly had placed a call to his wife (owing to the pressure of the posterior on the cell phone buttons) as he sat and cheerfully drove while hip-hop music pumped madly away from his car radio. He then evidently failed to hear his wife's voice pleading for him to respond due to him sitting on the phone at the time.
The wife then concluded, as we all would have obviously, that her husband had fallen victim to a kidnapping attempt by a hitherto unknown and possibly drug crazed, rap music loving urban gang that preys on unsuspecting public school employees.
I am suspecting there is some stereotypical profiling going on here, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it. Boy that's annoying….but I digress.
I can already hear comedy writers crying foul around the country. "See?" they would exclaim. "See how hard our job is? I mean, you just can't make shit like this up!"
For the rest who might think that accidental booty calling is becoming a real problem, might I advise a 'flip-phone'?
Headline -
"Wakefield study that linked autism with MMR vaccine was fraud: British Medical Journal"
Source (click on the yellow link):
AdelaideNow article dated 6 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Lies, Damn Lies and British Medical Studies - Statistics bumped to fourth place"
Dateline - London - 6 January 2011 - What was thought to be one of the major reasons for autism may have been given its death blow following conclusions reached by the British Medical Journal after hearings concluded concerning conflict of interest and the unethical treatment of patients during a 1998 study.
The publishing of the study itself was withdrawn by the prestigious medical journal, The Lancet, last year.
The study, which covered the links between MMR vaccination and autism, and the resulting paper published but then retracted by The Lancet, has now been accused of attempting to deceive.
"The paper was in fact an elaborate fraud, " said the British Medical Journal in an editorial and later adding "There are hard lessons for many in this highly damaging saga."
Well! Ain't this a bugger for all them folks who have been screaming and pointing at statistics over the last few years claiming the rise in the incidence of autism correlated with the widespread distribution of MMR (Mumps, Measles and Rubella) vaccine and others.
All they will have left now is the OTHER statistic - that the rise in the incidence of autism correlated directly to the increasingly refined methods in being able to DETECT it. Something that serious scientists have been pointing to all along.
I suppose that it's up to people individually if they wanna make something out of statistics that isn't there. I mean, isn't that what advertising and politics is all about?
But to endanger the lives of children just because some idiot saw a statistical relationship that wasn't there…not even hinted at? Now THAT takes breathtaking balls with equivalent stupidity.
Ladies and gentlemen……I give you Occam's Razor. Life does not need to be that hard.
One thing out of all this though……I bet Jenny McCarthy is really pissed. Not to mention ex-boyfriend Jim Carrey.
Headline -
"South Korea Soldiers Train for Winter"
Source (click on the yellow link):
Huffington Post article dated 4 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"YMCA ecstatic over potential new membership"
Dateline - Korea - 4 January 2011 -The South Korean military has decided to fight back against criticism that they are sluggish and ill-prepared by publishing photos of specialised army training.
"Specialised" indeed! I don't think I have seen "specialised" like this since the Village People!
There was word that more photos were taken of their post training partying, but as it turned out to be more like the Steel Industry parody from "The Simpsons", the South Korean Army Publicity Unit decided to save it for their "Christmas Outtakes Collection".
The local YMCA membership director could not be contacted, but it is believed that he is VERY excited…..in more ways than one apparently.
But in the meantime, lower those mirror balls guys and let's BOOGIE!!!!
"Everybody dance now! - duh, duh, dahh, dahh, duh, duh…."
(not that there's anything wrong with that)
Tuesday 4 January 2011
MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"The mom of a 'princess boy' speaks out"
Source:
TODAY Article dated 3 January
What Headline Should Say -
"Need for SNL drug 'Homocil' vindicated - Drug companies race to perfect"
Dateline - The Today show - 4 January 2011 - Mothers? Break out your recipes for crème brulee as it looks like someone will be taking over in the kitchen soon.
Cheryl Kilodavis finds her son Dyson to be an inspiration. The inspiration for a book she wrote called "My Princess Boy" highlighting her 5 year old son's preference for pink, sparkly dresses - not that there is anything wrong with that.
Apparently it took some effort for Cheryl to accept her son's love for pink dresses, telling him at first boys can't be princesses. But the advice of her older son convinced her eventually that this was Dyson's call. Well….at least young Dyson, a 5 year old remember, doesn't have an identity crisis…not now anyway. But how about when he is in his 13th year and Cheryl comes across his porno stash - his STRAIGHT porno stash. Who's gonna be more confused? Him or Cheryl?
Anyway, this all does bring to mind a terrific ad parody from the good folks at the American sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live. The SNL drug of choice for all those times when just don't know what the hell is going on.
Good luck Dyson! But just as a back up, I think I'd be booking in for those martial arts classes real soon. You're alright buddy.
Cheryl? Might I advise less book writing and more therapy. You seem to have a pathological urge to make a big deal out of this.
Headline -
"Whew! Pat Robertson: No Nuclear Holocaust in '11"
Source:
CBS News Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"That pee stained guy from Times Square is at it again"
Dateline - Virginia Beach, Va - 3 January 2011 - 700 Club founder, broadcaster and all around nut-job Pat Robertson is at it again claiming God has spoken to him.
Apparently this time God has told Pat - personally it seems - that the United States is about to be bankrupt after lenders demand their money back. BUT….have no fear…..there will be no nuclear war.
Once described by media commentator Bill Maher as that (paraphrasing) "old urine stained guy you always see in Times Square", Robertson said that the Almighty gave him the guff that US creditors will demand payment in 2012 and that US won't be able to cough up resulting in currency collapse, rampant unemployment and maybe even some riots.
Huh? Since when did current affairs become predictions? Hey Pat…..maybe you should read up a bit…..we are already there!
While we're at it, let's check out some of Pat's other predictions:
1982 - Pat predicted Judgment day. But wait…isn't that on May 21st this year? I guess he forgot to carry the one.
2006 - Pat predicted a tsunami would hit the northwestern United States coastline. No tsunami but apparently tourism went up.
2007 - A terrorist attack was predicted that would lead to "mass killings" and be possibly of a nuclear nature. When nothing happened, Robertson pointed to mass prayer at which point he said "God in his mercy spared us." Convenient. But it also could have meant that God was having him on.
2008 - All in nuclear war (Pat does seem to love nuclear wars) in the Middle East after Irael attacks Iran, then Syria attacks Israel, etc., etc. "it is my opinion that we have between 75 and 120 days before the Middle East starts spinning out of control.", said Pat. At this point, feel free to make woo-woo and tweety bird noises.
2009 - Economic chaos followed by a recovery. Well, he was half right. Unfortunately, it was the wrong half.
Pat? Give it a rest, me old china….and I do mean old. Whatever it is that you are involved in - soothsayers, religion, geriatrics, whatever - you are giving it a bad name.
I hear rest homes in Virginia get a good rap. Maybe you should look into that.
Headline -
"Fla. man says he'll live in lions' den for 30 days"
Source:
Newsvine article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Fla. lions postpone local butcher delivery for 30 days"
Dateline - Florida - 3 January 2011 - A Florida man, James Jablon, says he will live in an enclosure alongside two African lions for the next 30 days.
Mr. Jablon says he is performing the exercise in an effort to raise money for his wildlife centre, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.
Jablon commenced his stay in the enclosure on Saturday claiming he will sleep on hay near the lions.
When asked for comment, Ed - one of the lions alongside his partner Lea - said "Sure, he looks a little tough and stringy, but nothing that a little tenderising wouldn't fix. Anyways, I told Lea to hold off on that butcher order for a while."
When asked what his chances were, Ed replied "Pretty good. Provided he can stay awake for, just a second…." at which point, Ed broke out a calculator. "….30 days, or 720 hours, or 43,200 minutes, or 2,592,000 seconds AND figure out where the hell we stashed the whip, the chair and the back-up cattle prod."
Ed and Lea then returned to Mr. Jablon where they licked his face, then turned to this reporter, winked and made a 'thumbs up' sign.
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"The mom of a 'princess boy' speaks out"
Source:
TODAY Article dated 3 January
What Headline Should Say -
"Need for SNL drug 'Homocil' vindicated - Drug companies race to perfect"
Dateline - The Today show - 4 January 2011 - Mothers? Break out your recipes for crème brulee as it looks like someone will be taking over in the kitchen soon.
Cheryl Kilodavis finds her son Dyson to be an inspiration. The inspiration for a book she wrote called "My Princess Boy" highlighting her 5 year old son's preference for pink, sparkly dresses - not that there is anything wrong with that.
Apparently it took some effort for Cheryl to accept her son's love for pink dresses, telling him at first boys can't be princesses. But the advice of her older son convinced her eventually that this was Dyson's call. Well….at least young Dyson, a 5 year old remember, doesn't have an identity crisis…not now anyway. But how about when he is in his 13th year and Cheryl comes across his porno stash - his STRAIGHT porno stash. Who's gonna be more confused? Him or Cheryl?
Anyway, this all does bring to mind a terrific ad parody from the good folks at the American sketch comedy show, Saturday Night Live. The SNL drug of choice for all those times when just don't know what the hell is going on.
Good luck Dyson! But just as a back up, I think I'd be booking in for those martial arts classes real soon. You're alright buddy.
Cheryl? Might I advise less book writing and more therapy. You seem to have a pathological urge to make a big deal out of this.
Headline -
"Whew! Pat Robertson: No Nuclear Holocaust in '11"
Source:
CBS News Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"That pee stained guy from Times Square is at it again"
Dateline - Virginia Beach, Va - 3 January 2011 - 700 Club founder, broadcaster and all around nut-job Pat Robertson is at it again claiming God has spoken to him.
Apparently this time God has told Pat - personally it seems - that the United States is about to be bankrupt after lenders demand their money back. BUT….have no fear…..there will be no nuclear war.
Once described by media commentator Bill Maher as that (paraphrasing) "old urine stained guy you always see in Times Square", Robertson said that the Almighty gave him the guff that US creditors will demand payment in 2012 and that US won't be able to cough up resulting in currency collapse, rampant unemployment and maybe even some riots.
Huh? Since when did current affairs become predictions? Hey Pat…..maybe you should read up a bit…..we are already there!
While we're at it, let's check out some of Pat's other predictions:
1982 - Pat predicted Judgment day. But wait…isn't that on May 21st this year? I guess he forgot to carry the one.
2006 - Pat predicted a tsunami would hit the northwestern United States coastline. No tsunami but apparently tourism went up.
2007 - A terrorist attack was predicted that would lead to "mass killings" and be possibly of a nuclear nature. When nothing happened, Robertson pointed to mass prayer at which point he said "God in his mercy spared us." Convenient. But it also could have meant that God was having him on.
2008 - All in nuclear war (Pat does seem to love nuclear wars) in the Middle East after Irael attacks Iran, then Syria attacks Israel, etc., etc. "it is my opinion that we have between 75 and 120 days before the Middle East starts spinning out of control.", said Pat. At this point, feel free to make woo-woo and tweety bird noises.
2009 - Economic chaos followed by a recovery. Well, he was half right. Unfortunately, it was the wrong half.
Pat? Give it a rest, me old china….and I do mean old. Whatever it is that you are involved in - soothsayers, religion, geriatrics, whatever - you are giving it a bad name.
I hear rest homes in Virginia get a good rap. Maybe you should look into that.
Headline -
"Fla. man says he'll live in lions' den for 30 days"
Source:
Newsvine article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Fla. lions postpone local butcher delivery for 30 days"
Dateline - Florida - 3 January 2011 - A Florida man, James Jablon, says he will live in an enclosure alongside two African lions for the next 30 days.
Mr. Jablon says he is performing the exercise in an effort to raise money for his wildlife centre, Wildlife Rehabilitation of Hernando.
Jablon commenced his stay in the enclosure on Saturday claiming he will sleep on hay near the lions.
When asked for comment, Ed - one of the lions alongside his partner Lea - said "Sure, he looks a little tough and stringy, but nothing that a little tenderising wouldn't fix. Anyways, I told Lea to hold off on that butcher order for a while."
When asked what his chances were, Ed replied "Pretty good. Provided he can stay awake for, just a second…." at which point, Ed broke out a calculator. "….30 days, or 720 hours, or 43,200 minutes, or 2,592,000 seconds AND figure out where the hell we stashed the whip, the chair and the back-up cattle prod."
Ed and Lea then returned to Mr. Jablon where they licked his face, then turned to this reporter, winked and made a 'thumbs up' sign.
Monday 3 January 2011
MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Judge: Donald Duck groping lawsuit can go forward"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Duckburg native accused as sex offender - Feathers Fly"
Dateline - Philadelphia - 3 January 2011 - A judge has today ordered that a case involving Disney Corporation employee Donald Duck inferring alleged sexual harrassement on his part, should proceed.
When approached for Mr. Duck's thoughts on the matter, a Disney spokesperson claimed "He was very annoyed to the point of being unintelligible. Which isn't surprising as he is always unintelligible."
Mr. Duck's partner, Daisy Duck, was not returning comment on the situation despite several attempts.
Reports have surfaced that the Child Protection Agency has since moved Mr. Duck's three nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie to an undisclosed location.
Headline -
"Reinventing the wheel for the moon"
Source:
MSNBC Cosmiclog dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"'Nerf' Car spied undergoing secret tests"
Dateline - McGill University, Canada - 3 January 2011 - Touted as the new generation lunar rover, this vehicle has been seen slumping(?) its way around Canadian test tracks.
Since all plans to revisit the moon have been shelved for the forseeable future, could it be that this is actually some new approach relative to pedestrian safety? Instead of massive trauma when run over, we can now look forward to less severe bruising and maybe some gentle bouncing.
Or a new clean up vehicle perhaps - capable of sopping up massive spills with its spongy tyres. Or maybe a new approach to litter collection.
Whatever it is, it ain't parking in my garage - that's fer bloody sure!
Headline -
"End of Days in May? Believers enter final stretch"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Creditors cry foul as yet another judgment day approaches"
Dateline - Raleigh, NC - 3 January 2011 - Members of the Family Radio Worldwide Christian organisation have been giving out the word in earnest….that the rapture is almost upon us and, more precisely, is due to happen on May 21st, 2011.
The is all based on the mathematical machinations of one Harold Camping, creator of the Family Radio Worldwide, and apparently a man with way too much time on his hands. Or if he is to be believed, apparently not enough.
It is reported that the retired civil engineer claims all his calculations are from close readings of the bible and that also events such as the foundation of the state of Israel contribute to refined results.
No one seems to be commenting however, on the observations of several logic experts who have gone quietly nuts trying to make sense of the predictions laid down by the Book of Revelations. Like so many parts of the bible, it seems hard to clarify the impications of certain bits especially when they seem to contradict other bits and so on.
But if you happen to be a believer that the end is nigh, here's hoping you make the "gang of 250,000" scheduled for take off.
What's with the "dead rising from the grave" though? They going up too? They going down? What's up with that?
And why only 250,000 (or whatever the number is)? Eternity has an occupancy limit? Why is that? A fire regulation perhaps?
Sometimes it really does seem like nobody has just sat down and really thought this junk through. It's a worry, I tells ya!
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Judge: Donald Duck groping lawsuit can go forward"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Duckburg native accused as sex offender - Feathers Fly"
Dateline - Philadelphia - 3 January 2011 - A judge has today ordered that a case involving Disney Corporation employee Donald Duck inferring alleged sexual harrassement on his part, should proceed.
When approached for Mr. Duck's thoughts on the matter, a Disney spokesperson claimed "He was very annoyed to the point of being unintelligible. Which isn't surprising as he is always unintelligible."
Mr. Duck's partner, Daisy Duck, was not returning comment on the situation despite several attempts.
Reports have surfaced that the Child Protection Agency has since moved Mr. Duck's three nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie to an undisclosed location.
Headline -
"Reinventing the wheel for the moon"
Source:
MSNBC Cosmiclog dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"'Nerf' Car spied undergoing secret tests"
Dateline - McGill University, Canada - 3 January 2011 - Touted as the new generation lunar rover, this vehicle has been seen slumping(?) its way around Canadian test tracks.
Since all plans to revisit the moon have been shelved for the forseeable future, could it be that this is actually some new approach relative to pedestrian safety? Instead of massive trauma when run over, we can now look forward to less severe bruising and maybe some gentle bouncing.
Or a new clean up vehicle perhaps - capable of sopping up massive spills with its spongy tyres. Or maybe a new approach to litter collection.
Whatever it is, it ain't parking in my garage - that's fer bloody sure!
Headline -
"End of Days in May? Believers enter final stretch"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 3 January 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Creditors cry foul as yet another judgment day approaches"
Dateline - Raleigh, NC - 3 January 2011 - Members of the Family Radio Worldwide Christian organisation have been giving out the word in earnest….that the rapture is almost upon us and, more precisely, is due to happen on May 21st, 2011.
The is all based on the mathematical machinations of one Harold Camping, creator of the Family Radio Worldwide, and apparently a man with way too much time on his hands. Or if he is to be believed, apparently not enough.
It is reported that the retired civil engineer claims all his calculations are from close readings of the bible and that also events such as the foundation of the state of Israel contribute to refined results.
No one seems to be commenting however, on the observations of several logic experts who have gone quietly nuts trying to make sense of the predictions laid down by the Book of Revelations. Like so many parts of the bible, it seems hard to clarify the impications of certain bits especially when they seem to contradict other bits and so on.
But if you happen to be a believer that the end is nigh, here's hoping you make the "gang of 250,000" scheduled for take off.
What's with the "dead rising from the grave" though? They going up too? They going down? What's up with that?
And why only 250,000 (or whatever the number is)? Eternity has an occupancy limit? Why is that? A fire regulation perhaps?
Sometimes it really does seem like nobody has just sat down and really thought this junk through. It's a worry, I tells ya!
Saturday 1 January 2011
MDM News - All the news that should be said
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Some Hotmail users report missing e-mails"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated January 01, 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Veteran Web Based Email Supplier finally showing signs of senility - Euthanasia plans canceled as natural death appears near"
Dateline - New York - 01 January 2011 - Hotmail? What the hell is hotmail? Oh….right! That old thing. Anyway, it seems that many part time users have felt the need to check out the email list on their favourite 4th string back-up email facility; the old dinosaur called "Hotmail". The problem is that when checking out the cyber equivalent to Al Jolson singing "Mammy" in a cinema back in 1927, they found that their email list had been blown away. Oops!
When contacted for comment, the Windows Live support spokeswoman said "Mmmph-meglap-dumbumble-fwaat-mungle.." followed by what appeared to be several farting noises.
When she returned from the toilet and put her teeth in, she stated that "At this point it appears to be a limited issue, and Microsoft is working with individual users who are impacted. We apologize for any inconvenience to our customers…". It must be noted that she appeared to read this off of a laminated card…….through extremely thick glasses.
The rest of the technicians at the Shady Pines Nursing Facility - slash - Windows Live Support Centre seemed remarkably spry and motivated upon heaing of the problem and report planning to address the issue right after Matlock is over.
Headline -
"Miller ending legal battle, conceding Senate race"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 31 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Joe Miller Quits - Continues Tradition of Noted Alaskan Quitters"
Dateline - JUNEAU, Alaska - 31 December 2010 - It appears that Republican senate candidate for the state of Alaska, Joe Miller, has conceded his attempts to foil the write-in candidate Lisa Muckowsky….Merlowsky…..McLucky….WTF!!…..MURKOWSKI (phew!) from gaining an Alaskan senate seat. Ms. Murkowski is now a senator elect for the state of Alaska and has been confirmed by the current Alaskan governor (no, not her……the one who took over after she quit) and will soon be sworn in on the senate floor……and probably be sworn at if Miller turns up in the gallery.
Mr. Miller has exhausted several attempts at denying Ms. Murkowski her duly delegated senate position, including three state court electoral appeals, two federal, and taking a shot at her from a helicopter using a high powered rifle. All to no avail.
A designated Miller spokesperson, when asked if Miller would phone to congratulate Ms. Murkowski, explained that Mr. Miller did not plan to do so. When asked if she had won it fair and square, the spokesperson replied that "is not in his thinking."
When pressed on why Mr. Miller would not comply with electoral tradition, the spokesperson finally blurted "Because he's a childish bad loser and an asshole! That's Why! What do ya want from me? Do I have to spell it out?"
At which point, two burly men in suits appeared, chained him up, and led him away.
Headline -
"'What Not to Wear' star slams Sarah Palin"
Source:
Today Show 'The Clicker' dated 30 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Sarah Palin Slammed for Not Wearing Anything"
Dateline - Los Angeles - 30 December 2010 - The Learning Channel (TLC) star and co-host of "What Not To Wear", Clinton Kelly, has criticised Sarah Palin and referred to her show as an "eight-hour info-commercial on my network."
He is, of course, referring to the fellow TLC program called "Sarah Palin's Alaska".
"What bothers me most about her is her hypocrisy," said Kelly on a recent television show. "Look at nature. Look at this beautiful Alaska. Look at how beautiful everything is. Let's go kill something because we need some meat in the refrigerator." he continued.
Does this mean that Kelly and fellow Palin disliker Aaron Sorkin will be swapping spit in a shower sometime soon in support of a common cause? Probably not. But that is not because they haven't anything in common…..
It's probably more because Mr. Kelly has to learn to fly higher towards the sun if he seeks Mr. Sorkin's attention. As illustrated in Aaron's December 8th 2010 commentary in the Huffington Post.
In the meantime, maybe they can twitter the light fantastique about the dreaded wicked witch of teabagging. I still think it's funny though that he didn't mention anything about what she wears. Whatsamatter? Kitty got no claws? Rowrr? Mew?
(The following is satire and is not intended to libel, defame or insult - really hurt feelings are your problem)
Headline -
"Some Hotmail users report missing e-mails"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated January 01, 2011
What Headline Should Say -
"Veteran Web Based Email Supplier finally showing signs of senility - Euthanasia plans canceled as natural death appears near"
Dateline - New York - 01 January 2011 - Hotmail? What the hell is hotmail? Oh….right! That old thing. Anyway, it seems that many part time users have felt the need to check out the email list on their favourite 4th string back-up email facility; the old dinosaur called "Hotmail". The problem is that when checking out the cyber equivalent to Al Jolson singing "Mammy" in a cinema back in 1927, they found that their email list had been blown away. Oops!
When contacted for comment, the Windows Live support spokeswoman said "Mmmph-meglap-dumbumble-fwaat-mungle.." followed by what appeared to be several farting noises.
When she returned from the toilet and put her teeth in, she stated that "At this point it appears to be a limited issue, and Microsoft is working with individual users who are impacted. We apologize for any inconvenience to our customers…". It must be noted that she appeared to read this off of a laminated card…….through extremely thick glasses.
The rest of the technicians at the Shady Pines Nursing Facility - slash - Windows Live Support Centre seemed remarkably spry and motivated upon heaing of the problem and report planning to address the issue right after Matlock is over.
Headline -
"Miller ending legal battle, conceding Senate race"
Source:
MSNBC Article dated 31 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Joe Miller Quits - Continues Tradition of Noted Alaskan Quitters"
Dateline - JUNEAU, Alaska - 31 December 2010 - It appears that Republican senate candidate for the state of Alaska, Joe Miller, has conceded his attempts to foil the write-in candidate Lisa Muckowsky….Merlowsky…..McLucky….WTF!!…..MURKOWSKI (phew!) from gaining an Alaskan senate seat. Ms. Murkowski is now a senator elect for the state of Alaska and has been confirmed by the current Alaskan governor (no, not her……the one who took over after she quit) and will soon be sworn in on the senate floor……and probably be sworn at if Miller turns up in the gallery.
Mr. Miller has exhausted several attempts at denying Ms. Murkowski her duly delegated senate position, including three state court electoral appeals, two federal, and taking a shot at her from a helicopter using a high powered rifle. All to no avail.
A designated Miller spokesperson, when asked if Miller would phone to congratulate Ms. Murkowski, explained that Mr. Miller did not plan to do so. When asked if she had won it fair and square, the spokesperson replied that "is not in his thinking."
When pressed on why Mr. Miller would not comply with electoral tradition, the spokesperson finally blurted "Because he's a childish bad loser and an asshole! That's Why! What do ya want from me? Do I have to spell it out?"
At which point, two burly men in suits appeared, chained him up, and led him away.
Headline -
"'What Not to Wear' star slams Sarah Palin"
Source:
Today Show 'The Clicker' dated 30 December 2010
What Headline Should Say -
"Sarah Palin Slammed for Not Wearing Anything"
Dateline - Los Angeles - 30 December 2010 - The Learning Channel (TLC) star and co-host of "What Not To Wear", Clinton Kelly, has criticised Sarah Palin and referred to her show as an "eight-hour info-commercial on my network."
He is, of course, referring to the fellow TLC program called "Sarah Palin's Alaska".
"What bothers me most about her is her hypocrisy," said Kelly on a recent television show. "Look at nature. Look at this beautiful Alaska. Look at how beautiful everything is. Let's go kill something because we need some meat in the refrigerator." he continued.
Does this mean that Kelly and fellow Palin disliker Aaron Sorkin will be swapping spit in a shower sometime soon in support of a common cause? Probably not. But that is not because they haven't anything in common…..
It's probably more because Mr. Kelly has to learn to fly higher towards the sun if he seeks Mr. Sorkin's attention. As illustrated in Aaron's December 8th 2010 commentary in the Huffington Post.
In the meantime, maybe they can twitter the light fantastique about the dreaded wicked witch of teabagging. I still think it's funny though that he didn't mention anything about what she wears. Whatsamatter? Kitty got no claws? Rowrr? Mew?
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